The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
