He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
