You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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