drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize