And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
