The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
