Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
