Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
