So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
