Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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