new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
