I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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