When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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