I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
