He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize