I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
