I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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