Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
birth control should be required to get into college
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
