I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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