Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
