I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
