her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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