why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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