ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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