I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My breath smells like gin and sadness
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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