I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
