they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
