FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
