So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
