I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
