I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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