I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
