I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
