I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
