I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
