just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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