we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
