You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
