just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
