Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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