My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize