i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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