dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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