You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
