So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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