my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
