your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
