i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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