she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize