Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
