Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
