haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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