Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
