So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need a beard to bite.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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