i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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