So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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