apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
