I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
