she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
