the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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